PREDILECTION // pred·i·lec·tion

K, so I LOVE this song.

ARTIST: M.I.A.
SONG TITLE: Jimmy
ALBUM: Kala
DOWNLOAD/PREVIEW: divshare

Wow the original version sucks. Disco Dancer. I also think Bollywood sucks though. Bleh, goes right on the crap list with American daytime soaps and ALL Latin soaps. I’d jump off a cliff if I were alive during the 70s and people had jacked up pants like this and did those grandma dances.

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I wanted to add this song because it really uplifted me. See the Salvation post *what? you were expecting a gospel song?*

ARTIST: Modest Mouse
SONG TITLE: Float On
ALBUM: Good News For People WHo Like Bad News
PREVIEW/DOWNLOAD: divshare.

Well for whatever reasons, my fascinations with the Angelic has flared up. I watched the Prophecy I & II again. Those movies are ridiculous, insulting, and more than likely sacrilegious. But just the mentioning of the Archangels’ names, the Sephirot (Sephiroth, Sefiroth), and such (is that considered Mysticism?) . I’ve been reading article after article.

Anyways, as usual, once I think to long on anything Biblical, the fear comes back. The fear or the Great and the Unknown. Any day now, I’ll be before my Maker, with all my sins named against me, and I’m terrified. I try to make a mental tally of all the bad deeds I’ve done, weighed against the good and I just don’t know. Seems life is full of tests. Exams that must be passed, potential employers that must be impressed. Everything in life hangs on the results, even the Soul.

I’m pretty sure I’m not a horrible person, but comparing myself to others isn’t any good. I know am I am sinner and I know I fall VERY far from the Grace of God. I read stories of Jesus and cry so hard I can’t breathe because I’m ashamed Jesus had to die for someone like me, who just doesn’t deserve it. I curse, I sleep to much, my initial reaction is malice towards people who do me wrong instead of turning the other cheek…the lists goes on. Although I almost never act on my more negative thoughts, isn’t the thought a lone sin? If I think it, does that mean it’s in my heart as well? What good does it do for me to ask for forgiveness if I keep messing up. Isn’t the point of repentance to STOP doing that sin you repent against? I imagine being devoured, and pestilence, and great lakes of fire. But it’s so hard to do right, to be like a saint when the world is so utterly coated in sin. And a part of me is indignant. At the thought of Angels, looking down on my sin, recording it, when they don’t have to live in this terrible world. When people repay kindness with a knife to the back. When you try to do the right thing, and people only drag your name through the dirt. Until it gets hard to hold your head up. When people who try to make a positive change in the world are killed dead on the spot. Peckling around for an drop of something clean and good. After a while you have to toughen up or you’d go suicidal or insane. This place full of sickness and dying and struggling just to make it from day to day. Waiting, praying, that there is something after this that will make an honest life worthwhile, while the liars and thieves live easy. It must be easy to judge if all you’ve known is Paradise, when the Grace of God is right their for you to Behold. It’s hard down here, hopefully Jesus is keeping that in mind, He didn’t have it very easy while He was down here either. I don’t mean to say these things as a a write off for my transgressions, after all, I was given free will, and thus far no one has ever held a gun to my head and forced me to sin…

I had to go back and edit this stuff. It’s like 4 hours since I made the entry, but I continued reading over articles. and I came to one, about the woman at the well, and other stories. I was reading and I had a feeling come over me. And I started to cry, and I could feel my face burning with shame. Sin is a heavy thing. But once you repent it, you forget it. You forget it, because God has forgotten it and to keep bringing it back up is mocking God’s infinite forgiveness. God washes the sin away, white as snow. The most important part of the article, which I needed alliterating “God is Love” God isn’t up their keeping tally of my misdeeds. I have to keep in the frameset that God is my parent, as much and more so than my Earthly ones. No parent wants to see their kid fail, make a mistakes, for the sake of mocking them for it or holding it over their head. They want their kids to be happy, and safe, and to trust them. That they have their best intentions in mind, would never lead them astray, that they are their to listen and support you through good times and bad, especially bad. It’s no different.

Faith is blind. Everything else on this world we known can be seen can be felt. Faith, however, can only be felt. Hoped for, longed for. Doubtless, there are thousands suffering unimaginable pain, holding their hands out, begging for God–met with silence. Waiting, waiting, for Deliverance. Waiting for some balm for the pain. Waiting. Wanting anything that can be read as a sign that Someone Above is listening. They live like that, agonizing, and die in that same agony. I have decided I’ve got to try harder. I’ll never be like Christ, but I can at least aspire to Him. I’ve got a list of habits I am cutting out of my life immediately, and ones I will work on.

I don’t know what will wait for me once I’m back to clay. I’m terrified to think about it. I wonder if being afraid is okay? Or is it a sign of weak faith. After an Eternity in Hell, the only things I can say that scares me more than that is if there were nothing at all. If you die and that’s the end. If there is nothing, but this, nothing at all to make the suffering and waiting and praying worthwhile.

Download the Modest Mouse song I’m about to post. It was really uplifting to me…

“Nothing from Thy love shall sever those whom Thou hast made Thine own. Happy objects of Thy Grace, destined to behold They Face”

So sorry everyone, for this blog being bereft of music downloading, and inundated with my personal blogish foolishness.

I’ll have new songs up soon! for you aurial pleasures.

After church (got my Jesus Juice!! Okay that’s a HORRIBLE name for Communion, sorry Jesus…), we went to the nursing home to see Grandma (who was particularly loving of me today, though she probably didn’t know who I was), then stopped by pizza hut to pick up dinner. Driving out my Lowe’s Dad flips over something called a may something (could’ve sworn he was saying maypot, so I was looking for a pot…). So he turns around and pulls to the side of the fence going out of the Lowe’s parking lot and picks these round green things. He tells this story about picking cotton as a kid and eating these ‘maypop’ fruits. His exact words were ‘Itlooks nasty, like snot, but it’s really good”. My Dad has a wonderful way with words.

Now we are all country people, Mom and Dad, even I spent my childhood in the country before I was 6 and of school age. So my Dad will tell me all the time ‘yah you can eat that it’s good!” and he waits till I eat it (let’s say chokecherries), it’s usually horribly bitter (the sort of bitter that makes you stick your tongue out and knot your face up reflexively) and spit it out while Dad has a good time laughing at my expense. After years of this, I’m somewhat weary of eating outside fruit around Dad. But it was pretty good. I’m too lazy to take a picture (plus I’ve eaten all but a few pieces) but it looks kinda like a passion fruit inside (i think it’s related to passion fruit or actually is a type of passion fruit) . Getting the meat of the fruit off the seeds involves a bit of sucking while holding the seed with your tongue — kinda like getting the meat of the fruit off the seeds when eating muscadine grapes.

I’ve saved some seeds, hopefully it’ll be able to grow indoors during the winter and be ready to make fruit for the summer?

Sometimes there isn’t enough love in the world to help someone. Sometimes people you’ve known all you life become strangers. I can’t do anything. I will work on letting go from here on out. I will stop worrying so much from now on.

I wanted to write this blog after clicking around on different Christian sites.  I don’t know if anyone ever checks out this blog, but I wanted to post this. Maybe as a bit of my own testimony.

From high school up until September 15, 2003. I went from atheism to unenthusiastic belief in God.  I never stop saying Grace over my food or kneeling to say the Lord’s Prayer before sleeping, because those two things have been automatic for many a long year.

It wasn’t until I was lying in the cold dew of grass, covered in my own blood, on the side of the high way did I regain my faith. Even though I had been a very recalcitrant child, The Holy Spirit still made Its presence known. Its my sincere hope that everyone in the world will feel this at one point in their life.  Their are many Bible verses where, in the Presence of the Lord, men fall to their knees, unable to stand any longer. That’s how monumental the feeling is.  Imagine being one single drop of water in the entire ocean.  That wouldnt even begin to describe the feeling. And the Presence also comes with an immense feelin of Peace, so much so that it radiates as warmth. Like being blanketed. Like being cradled…

Even though those feelings were so acute at that moment that they are hard to recall to the exact, it’s still a strong memory for me. Whenever I think of taking the easy route or being backsliding, I try to invoke that memory. At every Benediction, the pastor quotes ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.’ Even if you turn your back on the Lord, He will still stand at the door of your heart and knock.

Is it me, or is the practice of being MARRIED backwards nowadays. Instead it’s date, get pregnant, hope for a lasting relationship or be happy having kids who have multiple half-siblings. Although my parents got married 2 yrs after I was born, my Dad’s always been in my life and my life, compared to the lives of friends who live in single-parent homes, has been ridiculously stable. Hell, we’ve even had the same phone number for 23 years.

I’m sick of hearing of pregnant girls and their boyfriends. I’m sick of seeing their FB status’ with a little broken heart and ‘went from being in a relationship to it’s complicated’ which transitions to ‘being complicated to single’ in a matter of days. If he loves you that much he’d marry you. If the marriage doesn’t work out its one thing. But if keeping a dating relationship together is hard, factoring a kid into the equation definitely won’t make it easier. Hello?

I was chatting with a friend about this earlier. But is everyone aware of birth control and condoms? Morning after pills? Heard they are OTC nowadays. But I don’t know about all that. I had a room mate once that had to get a Morning After pill once though. I don’t know about the rest of my female counterparts, but the thought of having a kid terrifies me. Their grossly distorted stomachs bulging out with that thing inside of them moving around and kicking. Reminds me of that scene in Spaceballs when Lonestar and Barf go to that diner and some dudes stomach starts moving around and something burst out of it. Some freakish Alien scene of something. Whenever I watch ‘Birth Day’ on TLC or Discover Health I have to sit down (watching them give birth makes me nauseous AND weak knee-d all at once. There was one time I almost passed out watching that stuff). I guess all other girls are jumping at the chance to get knocked up. Not this girl though. Not this one…

Since I’ve gotten older (hopefully wiser), I wanted to write a post on what I (think I)  know.

1) Be happy while you have a friend, or best friend. Don’t worry about how long it will last, just be happy the God put that person in your path

2) The same goes with lovers. I’ve come to realize loving someone doesn’t bind you to them eternally. Sometimes love is lost, or you never have it at all. same with friends, be happy the person was in your life and enjoy the time you have with them while you have. Nothing is eternal.  When and if it does end, think back fondly on your time with that person.

3) Everyone moves at their own pace..  You really shouldn’t look at where other people stand to determine your own accomplishments. Different strokes for different folks. Just do your best and count you blessings.

4) Never judge a book by its cover, you can learn from anyone if you give it the chance. Sure, everyone won’t be spouting Descartes or anything, but you can learn something nonetheless. I’ admit I’ve been quick to judge  someone as a ’skinhead’ or ‘ghetto’ or ’somepunk rock emo kid’ but oddly enoug, when that person opened their mouth, some brilliant shit came spewing out and blew my mind.

Okay, I was going to post Genelec, but that can wait til next post. I ADORE this song. lol

ALBUM: Parappa the Rapper OST
SONG: Instructor Mooselini’s Rap
PREVIEW/DOWNLOAD: divshare